Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
