I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
