after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
