yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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