i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
