Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
