I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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