the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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