I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize