The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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