the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize