Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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