Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Randomize
