Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
