Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
