Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
