JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
