Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
