I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
my liver is dry heaving
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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