you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize