apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
