I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Small penises have feelings too.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
