I just threw up on my dentist
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
