I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
