Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
