You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
