Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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