she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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