This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
