I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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