I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
