I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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