turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The adults are the big ones right?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
