What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
