Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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