Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
