I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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