True but thats because hes a fetus.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
