the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I am full of burrito and curiosity
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
