the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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