Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
