So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize