I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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