I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
