Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
