this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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