god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize