i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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