Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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