My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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