11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
