Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
