I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
