Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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