happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
