And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
