Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
