why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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