She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You may now shotgun with the bride
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
