My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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