At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
