i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
