If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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